No one listens to me

People rarely listen to me. It's always been like this. I was an extremely quiet child and I didn't start to express my own opinions until I was a tween. By that time, I believe people just viewed me as the "good quiet little girl". That's when I first began to notice the trend. No matter what I said, people didn't take it as seriously as most other people. Even if I made a good argument about the topic, people would just look at me like I was a child, say "oh that's cool" then continue the discussion with someone else.

The only time they seemed to pay any real attention to what I have to say is when I raised my voice. But then they look all concerned and ask why am I being so aggressive. It's because that's the only way you seem to hear me!

Anxiety

A little while back, my girlfriend and I talked about if one had to choose which condition they had to live with for the rest of your life, anxiety or depression, which would you choose. She chose anxiety. I honestly can't imagine why.

Ever since my teenage years, I have dealt with anxiety issues. It has gotten to the point where I have forgotten what it's like to live without it. It never fully goes away. For the most part, if I distract myself, it can be dulled, but if there is a moment where I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts, it takes over my mind. It starts with one thought. Just one thought that makes you doubt your competence and self worth. Usually connected to a memory of embarrassment. Then that leads to another negative thought, then another, and another...

Soon there isn't any room in my head for a thought that isn't about my failures and possible future failures. But the feeling is different from depression. With depression, you're numb. The world is a black void. The best way to describe the feeling of anxiety is like thousands of ants crawling all over my skin and in my brain and no matter how hard I try, I can never get rid of them. I can just find ways to ignore them. But I feel they will never stop crawling. But I feel I am too much of a coward to do much about it.