Possible Top Surgery

So I'll give you the quick run down.

Ever since I was a kid, my dad has put money in stocks. Over the years, this has provided a slow yet steady stream of emergency money. A few months ago we transferred the ownership of the money to me.

Well here's the thing: it's recently occurred to me that if I use the money to fund my top surgery, I will still have a good amount of money left in the emergency fund.

Seems pretty straight forward. Only problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to explain to my dad how much I need this surgery. It took me months to convince him that taking hormones was needed. His opinion won't really alter my choice on getting the surgery, but keep in mind that I still live with him, so how he feels about a life choice still carries weight.

So basically, what I'm wrestling with is how do I deal with the possibility of him being against it?

Being Out... But Not Really...

So I have been on hormones for a little over two months. Which is really great. However, it isn't nearly as fun when your work still views you as female.

See, I got my job in September and I didn't start hormones until January. So for about four months, I was pre t. Throughout that time, I tested the waters with most of the other employees and supervisors. I told them my preferred name, mentioned that I have a girlfriend, kept my hair cut short, and so far, all seems well.

But if there is one thing I've learned about coming out, it's that just because one accepts you as gay, does not necessarily mean they will accept you as trans.

As I'm trying to find the courage and the means to come out to my work, I have to deal with misgendering on a daily basis. What pisses me off the most is when I see someone new and they call me sir and all that and then someone who I see every day "corrects" them.

I know they're not doing it to be mean. When I first got the job, I had no choice what to label myself as female. So, even though now I'm passing more and more, they still view me as female. Sometimes I wonder if they notice the subtle voice drop but just don't mention it.

When I bring this issue up to other people, I get two main answers.

Answer #1: "Well why don't you just come out to them if it's so frustrating?"

Answer #2: "You know you aren't required to come out. You can continue your transition without informing them."

With #1: Frankly I'm hesitant to come out because this is still a new company (just over three years old), and they have yet to have any documented experiences with the GLBT community. When I was researching my last job, it was easy to find their stance because they have been around for much longer. A quick google search told me that they were very accepting towards the transgender community so I had no problem coming out then.

However with this job, there is no way of knowing what their views are. The best I can do is study the views of the individuals, which is pretty hard to do without dropping the gay bomb. Plus, I work in a hotel whose tenants mainly consist of elderly white republicans. If anyone reports that they so much as feel uncomfortable around me, then I may be kicked out. Sure that doesn't mean that I will be completely fired. If that does happen then they could just put me in a different post. But I'm a little nervous risking it.

As for #2: Yes, I can just not come out all together. My therapist and I have been all over the employee manual and there is nothing in it about taking hormones as long as it doesn't interfere with the job. But then I'll have to tolerate being misgendered until I get out the androgynous faze. And when that comes around, people who have known me since I was pre t will undoubtedly ask questions.

I guess I'm just finding it hard to find which direction I want to go in. Neither of them are easy.

Dealing with depression

Firstly, I apologize for not posting lately. Life has been life.

I'm not sure if it's my girlfriend bringing on these feelings due to her own depression or if they would have surfaced on their own, but I have been feeling a little more depressed then usual.

It's only connected to actual trans issues part of the time (during that time the dark feelings circle around body image). It's mostly connected to what my future may hold.

I keep having this feeling that I am on one side of this large canyon, and the future I want is on the other. I keep trying to build bridges to make it over to that side but they almost always collapse. And every time they do, I lose a little more motivation to build another one. It really kills me when I see small things I can do to make my life just a little better, things like legally changing my name, or getting an armed guard's licensed so I can get a higher pay grade, but I don't do it simply because I lack the will to do so.

It's not that I don't see the importance in things like that. I see them quite clearly. However, what's to stop those things from falling through?

There have been times when I  have considered just ending things outright. It's getting harder and harder to see any real light in my life. For the longest time I have just gone through the motions. But that's getting harder and harder to do.

But then I think about Emma. She is in such a dark place right now. If I kill myself the I know that she will do so shortly afterwards.

But then that brings up the question of why do I even care about what happens after I die? It's not like I'll be feeling anything afterwards. I won't see the sadness of everyone who loved me at my funeral. So why do I care? I don't know. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to not go through with killing myself.

I'm going to still try and get things done though. As hard as it is to go certain things, I know I'm only setting myself up for more self hatred if I just lay in bed and do nothing. That'll bring nothing but a vicious cycle.