New Peecock. First impressions.

I got a new packer today. Its the Peecock Gen 2 S. I was so excited I grabbed my phone and did an unboxing video as soon as I got home from the post office. Which now I think was a little soon. Not only was it my first review on anything ever so it was pretty sloppy, I also left out some things that I didn't realize I left out until afterwards.

Overall, the packer looks and feels very nice. In my opinion, its the most realistic Peecock so far. However, while doing the video, I couldn't help but notice that it seemed a bit longer than it should be. You see, my old packer was 5.5 inches. This packer was supposed to be 4.75 inches. However it seemed to be slightly longer then my old packer. I'll do some more exact measurements later.

I did notice that the girth of the gen 2 s was smaller then the gen 2. I liked that bit. It gave it a slightly more realistic bulge.

The coloring is very nice. It really does look real and no should give you a second glance in the urinal.

They greatly improved the look of the balls. They no longer look like a big blob of rubber. But they still do well in the purpose of providing a good seal when peeing. You just need to remember to hold them close or the seal won't work.

The feel is very natural. If you get the harness like I did, there won't be any moving around even if you wear loose underwear. Which is good because I never liked tight undies.

So far so good. If you can afford it (It totaled to about $200) then I highly recommend it.

Being Almost Two Months on T

I thought I should go ahead and document how things have been in the first two months since starting T. If not for readers, then for myself.

My first week was the usual bit. Insane sex drive, hunger increase which resulted in small weight gain later, mood changes. At the end of the first week I felt like crap, it almost felt like PMS. However that corrected itself after a few more shots. Also I think I should note that the hours after taking the shot, I almost felt like I was high on something. My mind was a blur, my throat felt tight like there was something in it that no matter how hard I swallowed I couldn't get rid of it (since the throat bit continues to happen, I assume that its the feeling of my vocal cords thickening).

The next few weeks were a bit more interesting. My bio-dick began to grow almost immediately; not really in length but mostly by girth. It's the size it would be it I had a hard on pre t. Due to this, I soon began to have pain down there when it would press against my pants and underwear.

The way I was able to cum changed as well. Pre t, I could get off by penetration. Now the only real thing that works is dick stimulus. Penetrating does help, but without a jack off in any form, I simply won't cum.

My body oder changed within around the first month. It was really strange because I could actually smell myself. I would be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and adjust in my seat then sudden a big cloud of me smell would come out of no where. But now I've gotten used to it.

Hair started popping up within the first month as well. Pre T, I had like five or six hairs on one my chin. Now, have another small patch of hair on the other side of my chin and one hair in the very middle. The peach fuss has thickened on the left side of my face. It forms a thick line from under my chin, to where my sideburns would be.

The hair on my arms got darker and thicker pretty fast. Its still getting gradually coarser. Same for the hair on my inner thighs.

Haven't noticed any real change in muscle. Though I have noticed that my shoulders seem to be broader. Though that could be due to weight gain.

Okay. I think that's it.

The Rollercoaster Ride of FTM Sexy Time

TRIGGER WARNING: In this post I talk about my sex life in detail. If you have any sort of dysphoria concerning sex or your junk in general. Ye be warned.

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Before I start, let me just say that it is currently four in the morning and I can't fall back to sleep. I just thought I should go ahead and turn my verbal diarrhea on since I had nothing else to do.

So... It's only my second post in this blog thing and I'm already talking about my privates. Awesome.

Firstly, masterbation/sex can usually be the epitome of awesome. However when it comes to jerking off and being trans (more specifically, a transman) things can get weird real fast... And not in the good way.

I mentioned before that I am in the early stages of hormone treatment. Anyone who knows anything about ftm's knows that that means that I currently have the sex drive of a teenage boy. I must say that that alone is very strange for me. When I was pre-t I could go on for weeks, sometimes months without rubbing one off. It was actually a little hard for me to have a healthy sexual relationship with my partners. It was difficult to start the mood so I usually preferred partners who did it for me.

Once I got with my current partner I eventually realized that the reason why I hardly ever was able to get it on without a lot of help was because the extent of my genital dysphoria was a lot deeper then I originally thought. I just didn't want anything to do with my junk. They were a reminder of what I really was: Not a real man.

Things got a lot more complicated when I started hormones. Nowadays, I can barely go one or two days, let alone a whole week without needing to rub one (or two) off. Being this horny was completely new for me. The good thing was that I could now comfortably start the foreplay with my partner at any time. One hand on the inner thigh and I was good to go. Sometimes just her leaning on me while watching TV did the job. The down side was that I still had incompatible junk.

Things would usually be like this: we would start to get all sexy, start stripping down to our undies and all that fun stuff. Then out of the blue, I would have the uncontrollable urge to stick my key into her ignition. My body would actually start to go through the motions. But suddenly, it would hit me... I can't start the car because I have no key. Sure, I can run to the drawer and get the spare but sometimes the whole process of putting of that weird harness with the countless buckles and straps and attaching my artificial manhood, all while being in the peak of hornyness, was even more triggering for an anxiety attack. It was a constant and horrible reminder that I was born wrong.

Now I still end up both jerking off and doing the sexy time, but it is done in a very strategic process. When it comes to jerking off, I usually use a Magic Wand to stimulate my bio dick. However, I can only do it while watching porn so I can disassociate myself from my body. And I can't watch cis girls using a Magic Wand because it reminds me of what I'm doing right then. I usually need headphones so I can drown out the buzzing of the vibrater, and with that, the more moans in the porno the better. Once everything is done, I need to get the wand away from my crotch as fast as I can or else the reality of what I was doing would sink in.

When it comes to actually having sex with my partner, we've gotten into the habit of putting on the dildo early on, during part of the foreplay and before things get too heated. That way, whenever we are both ready to get things started, all we need to do is put on the condom and/or lube. That way, the whole process feels much more natural and fluid. Also just the feeling of something there that almost feels like what my own penis would feel like is wonderful. I still have a problem when it comes to me not being able to feel anything during the actual deed but we still make it work.

At the end of the day, it still kills me that I don't have a cis male penis. But I try not to let it get to me. Because once I do, its hard to not be revolted by my own body. And that is something I refuse to let happen.

Introduction

Not even real sure how to start these things. I'll just start from the top.

You can call me Patch. I'm twenty-three years old, living in Memphis, TN, I'm a bisexual ftm transman who is currently a little over one-and-a-half months on testosterone.

I suffer from periodic moments of depression and anxiety. I was dangerously suicidal when I was a teenager but things have slightly improved since then.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over two years now and we are currently very happy with each other.

Right now my life consists of me trying to advance through life while fighting the constant fear of failure. Failure towards my parents, my relationship, my job, and myself. All while this is happening, I'm putting on a smile and telling everyone that everything is fine. Only girlfriend, therapist, and now anyone and everyone who will read my posts, know how jumbled my head really is. Hopefully writing things down here will help.