TRIGGER WARNING: In this post I talk about my sex life in detail. If you have any sort of dysphoria concerning sex or your junk in general. Ye be warned.
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Before I start, let me just say that it is currently four in the morning and I can't fall back to sleep. I just thought I should go ahead and turn my verbal diarrhea on since I had nothing else to do.
So... It's only my second post in this blog thing and I'm already talking about my privates. Awesome.
Firstly, masterbation/sex can usually be the epitome of awesome. However when it comes to jerking off and being trans (more specifically, a transman) things can get weird real fast... And not in the good way.
I mentioned before that I am in the early stages of hormone treatment. Anyone who knows anything about ftm's knows that that means that I currently have the sex drive of a teenage boy. I must say that that alone is very strange for me. When I was pre-t I could go on for weeks, sometimes months without rubbing one off. It was actually a little hard for me to have a healthy sexual relationship with my partners. It was difficult to start the mood so I usually preferred partners who did it for me.
Once I got with my current partner I eventually realized that the reason why I hardly ever was able to get it on without a lot of help was because the extent of my genital dysphoria was a lot deeper then I originally thought. I just didn't want anything to do with my junk. They were a reminder of what I really was: Not a real man.
Things got a lot more complicated when I started hormones. Nowadays, I can barely go one or two days, let alone a whole week without needing to rub one (or two) off. Being this horny was completely new for me. The good thing was that I could now comfortably start the foreplay with my partner at any time. One hand on the inner thigh and I was good to go. Sometimes just her leaning on me while watching TV did the job. The down side was that I still had incompatible junk.
Things would usually be like this: we would start to get all sexy, start stripping down to our undies and all that fun stuff. Then out of the blue, I would have the uncontrollable urge to stick my key into her ignition. My body would actually start to go through the motions. But suddenly, it would hit me... I can't start the car because I have no key. Sure, I can run to the drawer and get the spare but sometimes the whole process of putting of that weird harness with the countless buckles and straps and attaching my artificial manhood, all while being in the peak of hornyness, was even more triggering for an anxiety attack. It was a constant and horrible reminder that I was born wrong.
Now I still end up both jerking off and doing the sexy time, but it is done in a very strategic process. When it comes to jerking off, I usually use a Magic Wand to stimulate my bio dick. However, I can only do it while watching porn so I can disassociate myself from my body. And I can't watch cis girls using a Magic Wand because it reminds me of what I'm doing right then. I usually need headphones so I can drown out the buzzing of the vibrater, and with that, the more moans in the porno the better. Once everything is done, I need to get the wand away from my crotch as fast as I can or else the reality of what I was doing would sink in.
When it comes to actually having sex with my partner, we've gotten into the habit of putting on the dildo early on, during part of the foreplay and before things get too heated. That way, whenever we are both ready to get things started, all we need to do is put on the condom and/or lube. That way, the whole process feels much more natural and fluid. Also just the feeling of something there that almost feels like what my own penis would feel like is wonderful. I still have a problem when it comes to me not being able to feel anything during the actual deed but we still make it work.
At the end of the day, it still kills me that I don't have a cis male penis. But I try not to let it get to me. Because once I do, its hard to not be revolted by my own body. And that is something I refuse to let happen.
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