No one listens to me

People rarely listen to me. It's always been like this. I was an extremely quiet child and I didn't start to express my own opinions until I was a tween. By that time, I believe people just viewed me as the "good quiet little girl". That's when I first began to notice the trend. No matter what I said, people didn't take it as seriously as most other people. Even if I made a good argument about the topic, people would just look at me like I was a child, say "oh that's cool" then continue the discussion with someone else.

The only time they seemed to pay any real attention to what I have to say is when I raised my voice. But then they look all concerned and ask why am I being so aggressive. It's because that's the only way you seem to hear me!

Anxiety

A little while back, my girlfriend and I talked about if one had to choose which condition they had to live with for the rest of your life, anxiety or depression, which would you choose. She chose anxiety. I honestly can't imagine why.

Ever since my teenage years, I have dealt with anxiety issues. It has gotten to the point where I have forgotten what it's like to live without it. It never fully goes away. For the most part, if I distract myself, it can be dulled, but if there is a moment where I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts, it takes over my mind. It starts with one thought. Just one thought that makes you doubt your competence and self worth. Usually connected to a memory of embarrassment. Then that leads to another negative thought, then another, and another...

Soon there isn't any room in my head for a thought that isn't about my failures and possible future failures. But the feeling is different from depression. With depression, you're numb. The world is a black void. The best way to describe the feeling of anxiety is like thousands of ants crawling all over my skin and in my brain and no matter how hard I try, I can never get rid of them. I can just find ways to ignore them. But I feel they will never stop crawling. But I feel I am too much of a coward to do much about it.

Possible Top Surgery

So I'll give you the quick run down.

Ever since I was a kid, my dad has put money in stocks. Over the years, this has provided a slow yet steady stream of emergency money. A few months ago we transferred the ownership of the money to me.

Well here's the thing: it's recently occurred to me that if I use the money to fund my top surgery, I will still have a good amount of money left in the emergency fund.

Seems pretty straight forward. Only problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to explain to my dad how much I need this surgery. It took me months to convince him that taking hormones was needed. His opinion won't really alter my choice on getting the surgery, but keep in mind that I still live with him, so how he feels about a life choice still carries weight.

So basically, what I'm wrestling with is how do I deal with the possibility of him being against it?

Being Out... But Not Really...

So I have been on hormones for a little over two months. Which is really great. However, it isn't nearly as fun when your work still views you as female.

See, I got my job in September and I didn't start hormones until January. So for about four months, I was pre t. Throughout that time, I tested the waters with most of the other employees and supervisors. I told them my preferred name, mentioned that I have a girlfriend, kept my hair cut short, and so far, all seems well.

But if there is one thing I've learned about coming out, it's that just because one accepts you as gay, does not necessarily mean they will accept you as trans.

As I'm trying to find the courage and the means to come out to my work, I have to deal with misgendering on a daily basis. What pisses me off the most is when I see someone new and they call me sir and all that and then someone who I see every day "corrects" them.

I know they're not doing it to be mean. When I first got the job, I had no choice what to label myself as female. So, even though now I'm passing more and more, they still view me as female. Sometimes I wonder if they notice the subtle voice drop but just don't mention it.

When I bring this issue up to other people, I get two main answers.

Answer #1: "Well why don't you just come out to them if it's so frustrating?"

Answer #2: "You know you aren't required to come out. You can continue your transition without informing them."

With #1: Frankly I'm hesitant to come out because this is still a new company (just over three years old), and they have yet to have any documented experiences with the GLBT community. When I was researching my last job, it was easy to find their stance because they have been around for much longer. A quick google search told me that they were very accepting towards the transgender community so I had no problem coming out then.

However with this job, there is no way of knowing what their views are. The best I can do is study the views of the individuals, which is pretty hard to do without dropping the gay bomb. Plus, I work in a hotel whose tenants mainly consist of elderly white republicans. If anyone reports that they so much as feel uncomfortable around me, then I may be kicked out. Sure that doesn't mean that I will be completely fired. If that does happen then they could just put me in a different post. But I'm a little nervous risking it.

As for #2: Yes, I can just not come out all together. My therapist and I have been all over the employee manual and there is nothing in it about taking hormones as long as it doesn't interfere with the job. But then I'll have to tolerate being misgendered until I get out the androgynous faze. And when that comes around, people who have known me since I was pre t will undoubtedly ask questions.

I guess I'm just finding it hard to find which direction I want to go in. Neither of them are easy.

Dealing with depression

Firstly, I apologize for not posting lately. Life has been life.

I'm not sure if it's my girlfriend bringing on these feelings due to her own depression or if they would have surfaced on their own, but I have been feeling a little more depressed then usual.

It's only connected to actual trans issues part of the time (during that time the dark feelings circle around body image). It's mostly connected to what my future may hold.

I keep having this feeling that I am on one side of this large canyon, and the future I want is on the other. I keep trying to build bridges to make it over to that side but they almost always collapse. And every time they do, I lose a little more motivation to build another one. It really kills me when I see small things I can do to make my life just a little better, things like legally changing my name, or getting an armed guard's licensed so I can get a higher pay grade, but I don't do it simply because I lack the will to do so.

It's not that I don't see the importance in things like that. I see them quite clearly. However, what's to stop those things from falling through?

There have been times when I  have considered just ending things outright. It's getting harder and harder to see any real light in my life. For the longest time I have just gone through the motions. But that's getting harder and harder to do.

But then I think about Emma. She is in such a dark place right now. If I kill myself the I know that she will do so shortly afterwards.

But then that brings up the question of why do I even care about what happens after I die? It's not like I'll be feeling anything afterwards. I won't see the sadness of everyone who loved me at my funeral. So why do I care? I don't know. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to not go through with killing myself.

I'm going to still try and get things done though. As hard as it is to go certain things, I know I'm only setting myself up for more self hatred if I just lay in bed and do nothing. That'll bring nothing but a vicious cycle.

New Peecock. First impressions.

I got a new packer today. Its the Peecock Gen 2 S. I was so excited I grabbed my phone and did an unboxing video as soon as I got home from the post office. Which now I think was a little soon. Not only was it my first review on anything ever so it was pretty sloppy, I also left out some things that I didn't realize I left out until afterwards.

Overall, the packer looks and feels very nice. In my opinion, its the most realistic Peecock so far. However, while doing the video, I couldn't help but notice that it seemed a bit longer than it should be. You see, my old packer was 5.5 inches. This packer was supposed to be 4.75 inches. However it seemed to be slightly longer then my old packer. I'll do some more exact measurements later.

I did notice that the girth of the gen 2 s was smaller then the gen 2. I liked that bit. It gave it a slightly more realistic bulge.

The coloring is very nice. It really does look real and no should give you a second glance in the urinal.

They greatly improved the look of the balls. They no longer look like a big blob of rubber. But they still do well in the purpose of providing a good seal when peeing. You just need to remember to hold them close or the seal won't work.

The feel is very natural. If you get the harness like I did, there won't be any moving around even if you wear loose underwear. Which is good because I never liked tight undies.

So far so good. If you can afford it (It totaled to about $200) then I highly recommend it.

Being Almost Two Months on T

I thought I should go ahead and document how things have been in the first two months since starting T. If not for readers, then for myself.

My first week was the usual bit. Insane sex drive, hunger increase which resulted in small weight gain later, mood changes. At the end of the first week I felt like crap, it almost felt like PMS. However that corrected itself after a few more shots. Also I think I should note that the hours after taking the shot, I almost felt like I was high on something. My mind was a blur, my throat felt tight like there was something in it that no matter how hard I swallowed I couldn't get rid of it (since the throat bit continues to happen, I assume that its the feeling of my vocal cords thickening).

The next few weeks were a bit more interesting. My bio-dick began to grow almost immediately; not really in length but mostly by girth. It's the size it would be it I had a hard on pre t. Due to this, I soon began to have pain down there when it would press against my pants and underwear.

The way I was able to cum changed as well. Pre t, I could get off by penetration. Now the only real thing that works is dick stimulus. Penetrating does help, but without a jack off in any form, I simply won't cum.

My body oder changed within around the first month. It was really strange because I could actually smell myself. I would be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and adjust in my seat then sudden a big cloud of me smell would come out of no where. But now I've gotten used to it.

Hair started popping up within the first month as well. Pre T, I had like five or six hairs on one my chin. Now, have another small patch of hair on the other side of my chin and one hair in the very middle. The peach fuss has thickened on the left side of my face. It forms a thick line from under my chin, to where my sideburns would be.

The hair on my arms got darker and thicker pretty fast. Its still getting gradually coarser. Same for the hair on my inner thighs.

Haven't noticed any real change in muscle. Though I have noticed that my shoulders seem to be broader. Though that could be due to weight gain.

Okay. I think that's it.

The Rollercoaster Ride of FTM Sexy Time

TRIGGER WARNING: In this post I talk about my sex life in detail. If you have any sort of dysphoria concerning sex or your junk in general. Ye be warned.

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Before I start, let me just say that it is currently four in the morning and I can't fall back to sleep. I just thought I should go ahead and turn my verbal diarrhea on since I had nothing else to do.

So... It's only my second post in this blog thing and I'm already talking about my privates. Awesome.

Firstly, masterbation/sex can usually be the epitome of awesome. However when it comes to jerking off and being trans (more specifically, a transman) things can get weird real fast... And not in the good way.

I mentioned before that I am in the early stages of hormone treatment. Anyone who knows anything about ftm's knows that that means that I currently have the sex drive of a teenage boy. I must say that that alone is very strange for me. When I was pre-t I could go on for weeks, sometimes months without rubbing one off. It was actually a little hard for me to have a healthy sexual relationship with my partners. It was difficult to start the mood so I usually preferred partners who did it for me.

Once I got with my current partner I eventually realized that the reason why I hardly ever was able to get it on without a lot of help was because the extent of my genital dysphoria was a lot deeper then I originally thought. I just didn't want anything to do with my junk. They were a reminder of what I really was: Not a real man.

Things got a lot more complicated when I started hormones. Nowadays, I can barely go one or two days, let alone a whole week without needing to rub one (or two) off. Being this horny was completely new for me. The good thing was that I could now comfortably start the foreplay with my partner at any time. One hand on the inner thigh and I was good to go. Sometimes just her leaning on me while watching TV did the job. The down side was that I still had incompatible junk.

Things would usually be like this: we would start to get all sexy, start stripping down to our undies and all that fun stuff. Then out of the blue, I would have the uncontrollable urge to stick my key into her ignition. My body would actually start to go through the motions. But suddenly, it would hit me... I can't start the car because I have no key. Sure, I can run to the drawer and get the spare but sometimes the whole process of putting of that weird harness with the countless buckles and straps and attaching my artificial manhood, all while being in the peak of hornyness, was even more triggering for an anxiety attack. It was a constant and horrible reminder that I was born wrong.

Now I still end up both jerking off and doing the sexy time, but it is done in a very strategic process. When it comes to jerking off, I usually use a Magic Wand to stimulate my bio dick. However, I can only do it while watching porn so I can disassociate myself from my body. And I can't watch cis girls using a Magic Wand because it reminds me of what I'm doing right then. I usually need headphones so I can drown out the buzzing of the vibrater, and with that, the more moans in the porno the better. Once everything is done, I need to get the wand away from my crotch as fast as I can or else the reality of what I was doing would sink in.

When it comes to actually having sex with my partner, we've gotten into the habit of putting on the dildo early on, during part of the foreplay and before things get too heated. That way, whenever we are both ready to get things started, all we need to do is put on the condom and/or lube. That way, the whole process feels much more natural and fluid. Also just the feeling of something there that almost feels like what my own penis would feel like is wonderful. I still have a problem when it comes to me not being able to feel anything during the actual deed but we still make it work.

At the end of the day, it still kills me that I don't have a cis male penis. But I try not to let it get to me. Because once I do, its hard to not be revolted by my own body. And that is something I refuse to let happen.

Introduction

Not even real sure how to start these things. I'll just start from the top.

You can call me Patch. I'm twenty-three years old, living in Memphis, TN, I'm a bisexual ftm transman who is currently a little over one-and-a-half months on testosterone.

I suffer from periodic moments of depression and anxiety. I was dangerously suicidal when I was a teenager but things have slightly improved since then.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over two years now and we are currently very happy with each other.

Right now my life consists of me trying to advance through life while fighting the constant fear of failure. Failure towards my parents, my relationship, my job, and myself. All while this is happening, I'm putting on a smile and telling everyone that everything is fine. Only girlfriend, therapist, and now anyone and everyone who will read my posts, know how jumbled my head really is. Hopefully writing things down here will help.