Dealing with depression

Firstly, I apologize for not posting lately. Life has been life.

I'm not sure if it's my girlfriend bringing on these feelings due to her own depression or if they would have surfaced on their own, but I have been feeling a little more depressed then usual.

It's only connected to actual trans issues part of the time (during that time the dark feelings circle around body image). It's mostly connected to what my future may hold.

I keep having this feeling that I am on one side of this large canyon, and the future I want is on the other. I keep trying to build bridges to make it over to that side but they almost always collapse. And every time they do, I lose a little more motivation to build another one. It really kills me when I see small things I can do to make my life just a little better, things like legally changing my name, or getting an armed guard's licensed so I can get a higher pay grade, but I don't do it simply because I lack the will to do so.

It's not that I don't see the importance in things like that. I see them quite clearly. However, what's to stop those things from falling through?

There have been times when I  have considered just ending things outright. It's getting harder and harder to see any real light in my life. For the longest time I have just gone through the motions. But that's getting harder and harder to do.

But then I think about Emma. She is in such a dark place right now. If I kill myself the I know that she will do so shortly afterwards.

But then that brings up the question of why do I even care about what happens after I die? It's not like I'll be feeling anything afterwards. I won't see the sadness of everyone who loved me at my funeral. So why do I care? I don't know. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to not go through with killing myself.

I'm going to still try and get things done though. As hard as it is to go certain things, I know I'm only setting myself up for more self hatred if I just lay in bed and do nothing. That'll bring nothing but a vicious cycle.